The impact of the death of my drug addicted ex-boyfriend Carl is not pretty. I am angry I have to spend my time thinking about his wasted life and horrendous death.
I feel violated somehow, after his death. When you’re in a relationship with a drug addict, you cannot see clearly what is happening. Carl would play with my head. As I said in the previous blog, I absorbed the blame for his erratic addictive behavior. It is crazy making as many of you may know if you’ve been in or are in that type of relationship.
He will quit for good…
When things got really bad Carl would admit he’d been abusing drugs, and would swore up and down he was quitting for good. I believed him. He had been a recovery program for over 20 years, he had long-time recovery friends and I just figured he would get and stay clean. Instead, he hid the addiction- from me, his kids, family, friends and business associates.
How could he be so selfish?
How could he be so selfish? He has three grieving children and I worry how this will impact them. They are young adults and understand drug addiction. If they go to the trial they are going to hear many things about their dad’s “secret” drug life. They’ll most likely hear about the toxicology report which will no doubt indicate his drug use. I wonder if they will be angry that their dad participated in such a dangerous lifestyle and didn’t even think about them? I wonder how they will feel to hear about the drug-addicted lifestyle led him to such a violent end.
Or will he be portrayed as a victim who struggled with addiction and got in way over his head and just happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time? Many people are compassionate to the struggles of a drug addict. I am not. Not right now anyway. I’m still in anger, shock and denial. Maybe at a later date I will start to feel more sadness about it. I’m not sure.
The impact of addiction
The aftermath of addiction. I’ve learned many lessons on addiction – what it does to people and the people, like me, who are or have been in a relationship with an addict. For me, I was not in a relationships with a person, like when I was with Carl. I was in a relationship with a “drug” which left very little of the genuine person who I’d originally met. There is no future left for him.
I hope and pray my son will come around. We, his family will all be here for him. We love him, but can’t be slaves to his addiction.
My next post
In my next post, I will reflect on what I’m learning from Carl’s tragic death. I was fortunately out of the relationship for over five years and had taken a lot of time to really focus on my own personal growth.